love-float

Posted: October 27, 2010 in my black coffee
Tags: , ,

It’s been a long time I didn’t write for my self. I wrote though, for one official website of my country’s government ( if copy paste-ing things could be considered as writing ). I wrote (I convince you) and got money out of it, even it’s always ended up with other tickets to other journeys or even some souvenirs for beloved friends and left my bank account dry.

Anyway, my life is fine, well not that fine- fine, but what I can complain about, my school fee is paid, I passed my exams with maximum mark (still 5 to go, though), my mom is healthy (this is the most important thing) and I have new nephew, who is so adorably cute. I got full pack of cough, runny nose and fever this week which actually happened from being too tired of 2 full weeks traveling in the land of Cristiano Ronaldo and raining for the whole week, but then I remember the German phrase, “there is no such bad weather, it’s only bad clothes”. So if you know it’s gonna rain and the weather seems to change unpredictably, wear a proper cloth, a right shoes and bring your umbrella with you. And please no such thing called “complaining about the weather”.  That’s an attitude!

But love life is something else.  How can you prevent yourself of falling in love, you just don’t expect it, not even planning about that or choosing to whom you would fall onto, eh? I fancy this guy, for the last one year. If you want to compare this guy to any guys you might meet, you can just easily find better looking guy, smarter, better in shape body, and blah blah blah whatever! But I fancy him, and don’t fancy others, enough said! And I managed myself to finally reveal about my feeling to this guy. I have reasons, of course; not only about how many times we spent good times together, between the laugh, argumentation and jealousy. Amongst lessons, papers and exams, a bit party and music concert. But also the signs I got from him (which is now I realized that I must be mistaken). So it’s not only about fancying him, but I feel like a heart-jumping every time I saw him.  Silly, though,  but the timing was right, I have deeply thought about this and also considered about all the signs (which is again, I was wrong). And I was about to go somewhere away from him for a certain times. To calm myself down and to make him miss me, which he will not (yes, tell me I am such a fool). And to make it worst, he doesn’t love me back. Well, he didn’t explicitly saying that, but he asked me to forget him, ah No not also explicitly saying that too, he said; keep yourself busy, just study hard like me and my brother and the rest i forgot what he said or maybe  I just don’t wanna listen, because it’s  clear enough (and i am not completely stupid to understand).

So, I think it could be imagined how life after that. I thought i can enjoy my traveling to that beautiful country and continuing my writing in peace. But I felt like hiding my face under the pillow all the time and had no effort to do anything. People partying, I did too, but I was more like a robot with an ON and OFF button. People laughing, I laughed even more. People drinking, I cried my self out in the bathroom. People sightseeing the city, I found myself ended up in a souvenir store and grabbing just anything to buy for him. The days came up and came down, it’s all the same. I found his email one day in my mail box, my heart’s raced, left me shivered not even reading the letter, just to see his name on it. And the email was too official and dry, there is nothing but 1 line of saying how are you and the university stuffs, and I threw up successfully! Stupid? Ow.. absofuckinglutely! There’s nothing to do about my 132 IQ, I am stupid anyway!

And I don’t wanna go back there, I am shy of myself, and I can’t bear to see his face again. If at home I felt like burrying my face under the pillow, outside, I want to hide my face inside the paper bag or whatever.

I keep myself busy like what he said, I finished reading 3 fat novels, I cleaned up everything in my room, even it’s not dirty at all. I work and work, I write and write, I attend classes even if it’s not mine. People partying, laughing and drinking, I took my own way. I even walk under the rain so that people can not see my tears, and I still don’t know until when I could recovered myself, or maybe not at all. I found my self so vulnerable around him, can I just dissapear from here?

*and life seems like to conspire to make me feel worst, I found this song coincidently “you’re running out of sight, it’s so hard to holding on, all Alone in Love”

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