Archive for January, 2011

let’s go to the museum…

Posted: January 28, 2011 in through the lens
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I finally decided to go to museum today, no particular reason, I just love museums, any kind. And I always feel amazed with the person who’s engaged in the museum and explaining the things in more than one language. In my country, the explanation will be performed bilingually, my language and English. When I was in Portugal, it was very beautiful young girl guided our group explaining in 4 languages. I wondered how she wasn’t slip the tongue. In Germany of course with machine that we can just choose any language we want, for 1 round it costs about 5 Euros. In Belgium, I was sneaking around in one student group so I don’t have to pay for the service, but stupid me, I realized that Belgium is the country which using either Dutch or French, so I gave up easily and secretly went out from the group.

Anyway, yes I do love museums, I am crazy about them. In Germany, I and my friend could just jumped in the car or sometimes we took the tram to go to any kind of museum, one day we went to the Hitler things, another day for chocolate museum. One day, we went to coal museum and of course all the art museums. In Rome I did bus hopping on summer and stop in almost each museum, I remember it was immigrant museum and I could see the first passport which used by Italian citizen who’s coming to US. In the Netherlands was even more fun, I went to Sex Museum, it was of course made my jaw dropped. It was like the feeling of embarrassed and excited at the same time, some parts really made me goosebumps, with all the sadomasochism thingies, but I still plan to see the similar museum which is bigger and older in Copenhagen. Well, let’s see.



So, today is the  paleontology day, and since I live in Italy which English doesn’t even exist, I didn’t expect the person in charge could explain in English, beside it’s not my problem they don’t speak English even sometimes I feel so pity with Italian people in general. Anyway, the museum was nice, not so big, it’s only 3 big parts, divided with the era of the earth. I was (again) with a student group and started taking some pictures hurrily because I got only 45 minutes before the museum closed. It was very fun day and I just don’t care about the freezing weather. So if you somehow need a company in visiting museum, don’t be hesitate to ask me, I’m IN.

And here are a few pictures I took.#click on the picture to enlarge









































dealing with goodbyes

Posted: January 24, 2011 in my black coffee
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another gloomy weekend as my friend said, “the sky is crying for me for the death of my father”. I was numb, I know how it feels losing one of the parents, but I certainly don’t know how it feels when the news’ coming and you are thousand miles away. When you feel like crying all the heart out but at the same time you have to be sane enough to organize everything and to pull yourself together.

I am not good dealing goodbyes, it’s still before my eyes how my daddy lying down on his death bed, in a coma. 11 days in a row, after suffered from a long time illnes more than a couple of years. I was called back home, gave up my work and preparing myself for the worst. Yet, I never been ready. Beside, how in the world I can be ready for the worst. He was my dear dad. The person from whom I got the blood on my vein. But he gave up to faith eventually, just before my eyes, like a bad dream that you wish to wake up from. Like in a movie that you wish the machine miraculously bipping again. But it was too silent until the cry cracked open. It was mine maybe, or my sister’s, I remember my mom didn’t weep even a bit, just said “you’re gonna wait for me there, aren’t you?” and said a pray then kissed him. I don’t have a strong heart like my mom does. I wish I do, but I am a weeper, a real one.

So dealing with goodbyes is not the thing I am expert of. Any kind, either the death or the simple goodbye of friend. If I don’t weep my self out, I feel my chest hurt alot. Some people notice me a cry baby, maybe I am, but it’s actually because I care so much about the person and I really have to deal with the fear of losing someone whose close to me, which is never been easy. But, if I finally stop weeping my self out, maybe it’s the sign that I am strong enough to let go, or simply because I am too tired for the coming and going of people in my life. Without me able to make them stay.

to be failed

Posted: January 23, 2011 in story over coffee

just to remind my self, it’s okay to get failed, sometimes

I am trying to compile things happened in 2010. Still remember how we were 6 standing on the balcony and screamed from the top of our lungs of whatever we felt like at that time. I was screaming out my country’s name. I had no idea what was in my mind. Then we started screaming out any word amongst the fireworks and thousands of pictures taking. What’s so good thing of new year is that we feel like start over again from the beginning. Even it’s not practically right, but yes we have another chance. At least we give ourselves a chance.

So 2010 was, where I had several traveling here and there, it began to where I had to visit my bestfriend on her master graduation and had a bit party, came with a red nose for the cold temperature of the sudden snow falls yet felt warm for having my bestfriend around me. Back with swollen red eyes for non stop crying of being told that he doesn’t love me anymore. But I managed to survive yet lose some weights. On that year also where I had a job on summer break which pushed me to go back and forth between the exams and the money. And I survived too, not in my top condition but again I managed.  Life was hard when you have to struggle alone, and the year 2010 was the year where I detached from any(thing)one I can count on. The year where I woke up in the middle of the night sweating alot for worrying about my life, my insecured life.

I lose count of how many times I cried on the year 2010 and there’s nothing to do about my inability of counting. The year where my heart stitched open both of jealousy or being pushed away. The year where I constantly begged God either to give him back to me with all the good moments which I’ve ever shared with him, the conversations, the stay over night, the laughter, the even silliest thing we did or to just take the pain away or to give me job to keep me busy. Yet the pain stayed, the moment’s gone but I got the job. And started to pack my backpack again to go, pointing my finger tip on the map and ended up in the night train with 7 other people in one compartment.

My life in 2010 was also where I donated voluntarily almost 10 kg of my weight, not something to be missed though, but as I can tell 2010 was not the year which I had a good note about. But back in my country, my family member added, here I got 2 extended brother. And my brother soon will tie the knot.

The year 2010 was where I played over and over again the same song “Violet Hill” from Coldplay and desperately crying and crying after the song. The year where I decided to travel away from him but however far I go, I think about him every single day. The year that my heart scattered around but become stronger, resilient and jealous-proof. And I found myself 100% sane by the end of the year. Survived with wounded heart, worried mind and losing weight, yet survived. So don’t worry about where the weight go, don’t worry about this wounded heart, surely it went to a good cause, to me become stronger.

my first thought

Posted: January 1, 2011 in story over coffee
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I woke up very late on this first day of the year, it’s 12 already and was a bit confused that I found myself not on my own bed (oh no worries  it’s not any guy’s bed :p) I fell asleep after counting down to the new year and having somewhat quite festive new year’s eve with good companies and of course a good food too. Then I didn’t remember anything.

But however late I woke up was, the first thing in my mind was still him. I know it’s bad, it’s a new year already and I still can not get over this thing. The pain is not as serious as before but of course it remains the damage. I really don’t want to start this first day of the  year with crying, because however often I do that or how terrible weep I had, I can not make him mine. But yet I weeped a bit.

So I dragged my feet, making a cup of coffee, a real strong one and sat back to think, what am I gonna do. I checked my cellphone and found some textes from some guys asking me out for this and that. It’s all directly to be deleted. Let alone the phone ringing and ringing.

Anyway, I deal with my self that I have to deal with the past, however good it was, let it stay in the past, I can not grab it along to where I stand now. And however bad it was, I passed it anyway. And it’s still him the first time I think when I wake up and still him I think the last before I sleep, and I should deal with it too.