dealing with goodbyes

Posted: January 24, 2011 in my black coffee
Tags: ,

another gloomy weekend as my friend said, “the sky is crying for me for the death of my father”. I was numb, I know how it feels losing one of the parents, but I certainly don’t know how it feels when the news’ coming and you are thousand miles away. When you feel like crying all the heart out but at the same time you have to be sane enough to organize everything and to pull yourself together.

I am not good dealing goodbyes, it’s still before my eyes how my daddy lying down on his death bed, in a coma. 11 days in a row, after suffered from a long time illnes more than a couple of years. I was called back home, gave up my work and preparing myself for the worst. Yet, I never been ready. Beside, how in the world I can be ready for the worst. He was my dear dad. The person from whom I got the blood on my vein. But he gave up to faith eventually, just before my eyes, like a bad dream that you wish to wake up from. Like in a movie that you wish the machine miraculously bipping again. But it was too silent until the cry cracked open. It was mine maybe, or my sister’s, I remember my mom didn’t weep even a bit, just said “you’re gonna wait for me there, aren’t you?” and said a pray then kissed him. I don’t have a strong heart like my mom does. I wish I do, but I am a weeper, a real one.

So dealing with goodbyes is not the thing I am expert of. Any kind, either the death or the simple goodbye of friend. If I don’t weep my self out, I feel my chest hurt alot. Some people notice me a cry baby, maybe I am, but it’s actually because I care so much about the person and I really have to deal with the fear of losing someone whose close to me, which is never been easy. But, if I finally stop weeping my self out, maybe it’s the sign that I am strong enough to let go, or simply because I am too tired for the coming and going of people in my life. Without me able to make them stay.

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