Archive for the ‘my black coffee’ Category


 

henny_ansharie_full

This going to be my first post in 2016. Not so productive back then on 2015, I more posted pictures on my instagram account than writing here in wordpress. My life is somewhat okay, since I didn’t set some goals, the whole year was like going through day by day with all good and bad things. Meeting some new people, and ditching them at once 🙂 Having more friends at some points and lose one too.

The highlight of the year is of course having a chance to meet my bestfriend and had trip with her and had a lot of fun times together (which is including lazing around in a hotel room and practically doing nothing but laughing even we had no particular reason what we laughed about). Happiness is around the corner, over our coffee or simply on our gado-gado plates. Not so much tears to be shed when we had to be parted, not because we are stronger than before, but because we know we will meet again in only God knows where.

And I managed to have road trip by motorcycle from Java Island – Bali Island back to back, to climb the mountain, and back to the sea for a wave-seeking. And again just lazing around laying on the soft sand or to feel the salt air on my skin.

This is not about my achievement in a year, cause I don’t have any, this is about how I get through my life day by day. And how one can actually change mentally after doing so. I don’t have a note book with a check list in it, I don’t have a stable job. To be a freelancer is scary to some people, to me too. But to my surprise, I am survived, some times with good amount of money in my bank account, sometimes with very limited resources. But I managed to not have any loan or loan with the lowest interest or not at all. I don’t live a fancy life, and I am happy with the lesser things I posses, I am happy to be able to exercise 5 times a week and maintain my health. I am happy not all the time stuck in traffic on the way to work, but I am happy when I have some peak time of my work where coffee break is the only break I have. I don’t have so much regret recently, you can disagree about my life. You can tell me that I should be more organised and set some goals.  But thing people should know, that every goal is different to each person. There’s nothing wrong to have some goals or not to have any, or even to change your aim after half way. As someone who achieved bachelor degree in technical engineering and changed drastically on master degree for social science, working mostly 7 days a week to a freelancer, nothing really surprise me anymore. And I know I can achieve my any goal anywhere and with no certain time line. Cause, why I limit my self?

Happy 2016 !

 


Yes, you are cold like your weather

And I am hot for the sun in my mother

Why bother?

We don’t need to argue each other

For knowing what beneath under

sun supplement

Dec 14th 06 one morning in J town


Do not ever miss a chance to tell someone you love them.
Especially strangers, cause you might not see them again.

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*on the train J Town to J City

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Hai soltanto una vita. Fa ciò che ti rende felice, e usa il tuo tempo con chi ti fa sorridere. Se non sei felice, fa qualcosa in merito. Se i tuoi amici non hanno per te, trovane di nuovi. Se vuoi qualcosa, va e prendila. Cosa te lo impedisce? La vita è breve, non stare a chiederti cosa sarrebe se, se non provi non lo saprai. Segui sempre il tuo cuore. Non avere mai rimpianti. Certe occasioni arrivano solo una volta, acchiappale. Non crogialarti negli errori passati. Accetta le cose della vita che non puoi cambiare. Prova a non dar importanza a cosa gli altri pensano di te. Non paragonare le fortune degli altri alle tue. Dai sempre 100% in ogni cosa che fai. Abbi sogni e aspirazioni. Ama e smetti di analizzare troppo. Lasciati amare. Circondati delle persone che ami e fa ciò che ti piace fare. Sorridi agli altri e ridi più che puoi. Perdona in fretta, accogli le occasioni, viaggia spesso. Non aver paura di fallire. Prova nuove cose. Corri il rischio. Affronta le tue paure. Decidi ciò che vuoi nella vita e mira a quello. Non aspettare che le cose accadono, fa in modo che accadono. La vita è una grande avventura, ne possiedi una sola, quindi rendila migliore e più che puoi. ♥♡


Pointnoreturn

Then you called me out of the blue. I stared the LCD of my cellphone and your name was blinking and so was your picture on it. I was just back from my harsh traveling abroad, so it took me by surprised to finally see your name again on my cell. It was you as I recognize the voice. Sweet, I defined. I don’t know it was about your voice or about the way you called me. And our conversation ranging from our recent activities, life between traveling, journals, exams and thesis which ended up that you’re gonna come down to see me on Sunday. I will call you, you said. I smiled widely, from ear to ear.

When we finally hang up the phone, i still stared the phone for a moment, was it you? are we gonna see each other after what all have done? And from then, Sunday…

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I have no idea what kind of feeling that I recently feel.

My last battle was done quite some days ago. It was fierce, the emotions taking me nowhere but only led to depressions. I remember how many times I wanted to give up. And how I cried myself to sleep every single day. Yet, I kept going. I don’t know why. The truth is, giving up is easy, when you are in the lowest point of your life. You have no achievement, nothing all. You don’t see any vision how it will be going. You have done everything but it doesn’t seem any right. Everything was blocked and you are stucked. Your dreams are fucked up and you don’t care. You just wanna throw it all away. Just away.

Then you have these friends, silly as they can be. They come into your life with no invitations, they stay and give shits about what’s going on with your life and do the best efforts to support you. Sometimes, you feel like kicking their ass off of your life or literally kick them out of your room cause you just can’t stand of their preach to hang on to your shitty situation. And to make it more difficult, they pray too!! They pray for you to hang on, they pray for you to be eased, they check on you, your health, your food whether it is nutritious enough or not for you to hold on day by day. When you are done with one friend checking how well you sleep last night, then come another friend leaving you some food and remind you not forget to eat. How bothering! because you just want to focus on how to give up on your dream, your battle!

Once, I yelled out at my friend’s face “I don’t want to fight anymore, this is impossible and useless!”

Okay, fine, but at least you have to be healthy when you make your decision, no? So take this food, and sleep well. Said a friend.

At the other part of the world, there is my dear bestfriend said, whatever your decision is, I love you the same, and you know that we will hand in hand through all the situations.

I was silent, I was in the state of  “I don’t wanna hear of any wise advice of my situations”. Let them talk and talk and do whatever they want to do. My decision was fixed! I was so tired of having a zombielike life, that I am not really alive but not yet dead. I’m maybe exageratting. But again, the decision was fixed!

Yes, giving up is easy. MIND YOU! When you just don’t want to be in a part of your own battle anymore. And you are the one who started it, so it’s all up to you to end it bravely or just run away. People will forget eventually, unless you really are an important person then your decision will be remembered in a long run. And you are not;  I am not. So why not giving up?

Then in your many nights alone, you think about your friends supporting you, physically, emotionally. Thinking about how they want to participate in one of highlights of your life. In sudden, giving up is not an easy task. First of all because you don’t want to dissapoint your friends, the second of all and more importantly, that you don’t want your life being bothered by them, you feel like, “okay fine, I’ll do this and please stop bothering my life!” So you stand on your feet, and drag ’em back to the battlefield. It’s not easy though, you’re scared as hell. But then you believe that all the prayers have been said will not go for a waste. Not for your cowardice.

Your heart’s still drumming though; you even feel it outside your chest.  You don’t like to do this, you even curse yourself for the decision you chose. You want your friends to be around, but at the same time you want them to make a distance from you. You want to be alone to find your peace of mind and don’t want them to interfere too far into your life. And you keep going on and on and on. Cause you just want to finish it immediately. You want to be free, free from your own fear. Free from all people telling what to do about your life. Until it finally ends. End, with a capital E! End with your friends’ laughter, end with the cork of the champagne popping off, end along with the wreath was placed on your head to inaugurate you.

It’s done. It’s paid off. You break down and cry. And you thank your friends, but you know it’s never enough. Cause they really made it to make you fight until the end. To make a giving up a hard task.

PS:

Saying thank you is never enough to all of my friends who support me sincerely during my hard times.

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the doomsday

Posted: December 28, 2012 in my black coffee

This end of the year is a little different from others. The weather is warmer than before. I remember how I always wore at least 4 layers of clothes under my jacket before going out, despite of how skinny I was. Well, I am still skinny though, but last time I checked the temperature, it was between 9-11 Celsius. So it is not cold, however skinny my body is. Anyway, December 2012 it is, and for some people had a discussion about the end of the world by 21st of December, I remember quite sometimes ago I had this silly discussion with a guy, about the end of the world, and where we will be by that time (December 2012, to be précised). Not because we believe of the Mayan prediction about the doomsday, it was because we really wondered where we will be, and what happened to us. Nobody had a clear idea about that, I could not read what he wants by that time, while I was expecting to be with him until the end of the world. Well I didn’t say that to him though, fortunately. But anyway, here I am, by the end of the year of 2012, without him, with no regret. However big I had infatuation on him before, it’s passed. It took me some hard moment to really let it passed though.

ok

Quite 3-4 days ago, I saw my skype blinked, there was one name shown on the screen, asking to add me on the skype. It was him. I checked again the name, it was him. I don’t get hurt anymore; on the other hand I feel nothing. Of course I still remember how his name disappeared from my skype’s list sometimes ago. It was him deleting me. I don’t get the point why he’s adding me again. I talked to my best friend, she said “approve him, then after he realized, delete him, show him that you can do what he did to you before”. I didn’t do it, I let him instead, not being approved, nor being deleted. There you go hanging somewhere waiting for whatever from me. My close friend here asked me, “Is he married?” I plainly answered “I don’t know, there’s nothing about him that I know now”.

But it got me thinking, not about whether he got married or not, it’s about, what the heck this guy wants from me. I mean it’s clear about the path we took, that we won’t be together. He made me taking the path, I was not okay, but little by little I pulled my self together and manage my life without him, of course.autumn walk And it is fine. It’s liberating.  I am sure from time to time he views my happy life and how I get my smile back and challenge the world again, or overheard about me. I don’t hide though, but if somehow he reads this note, yes this is for him. I am okay; I stop crying since a long time ago. And I already forgot how my heart was hurt yet I don’t want to memorize it. So, I woke up at the next day to get online on skype to reject him. We have nothing to talk about now. Our moment has passed, also the end of the day that once we talked about has already passed. There are no way our lives cross again. I have my path, he has his own. And let it be.

dear God …

Posted: November 4, 2012 in my black coffee, story over coffee

oh well I found this post which I wrote some times in 2007, quite years! But I just want to post it again, cause whenever the time line, it’s still applied..

Dear God…

You gave me once again this such heavy burden on my shoulders, instead of asking why, I better get through this thing and try to understand it.You once again put me in very hard problem, instead of crying, I better find a solution for those such things. You bang my face once again to the wall, juggle my heart and hit my brain, instead of upset, I better learn to be wiser. You give me life, you postpone death, you give me friends but keep the loneliness in my heart, instead of worrying, I better walk towards you to know you more. You give me the dark take away the light, simply because you want me to be grateful with what I have and to not cry over something that don’t belong to me. You give me this roller coaster thing, to not hear my scream but to make me listen to those unspoken words.


Thank you God, for always having time to listen to me, surely you know everything inside, without me bothering to speak. And it’s good to have you to talk (or to listen).

written on May 5 2007

I miss home (you)

Posted: April 9, 2012 in my black coffee

It’s a bright day of spring season. I woke up early to praise the sun by jogging around the corner. The temperature was not very good to do outdoor activity, the wind hurt my face and left me brain freeze when I finally reached home. I kind of miss the sea and the ocean breeze, with the warm sunlight and the sound of wave. But maybe I just miss you, because all about sea and ocean bring my memories back to you. I don’t know until when I can miss the sea and worship the ocean without dragging my mind to you. Because long time before I met you, sea and the ocean are home for me to be back whenever my life got harder. I still remember how the sea never failed to cure my sadness, to bring back my smile. But now, how can I go back to the sea without having you in a back of my mind? How can I walk on the beach, because u left your footprints there? How can I miss the sea, without missing you?

Home is where the blue turquoise sea, once it’s said. Now, tell me, how can I not miss home?

—-

the cure of anything is salt water;  sweat, tears or the SEA

whose date didn’t show up

Posted: March 30, 2012 in my black coffee

Then you called me out of the blue. I stared the LCD of my cellphone and your name was blinking and so was your picture on it. I was just back from my harsh traveling abroad, so it took me by surprised to finally see your name again on my cell. It was you as I recognize the voice. Sweet, I defined. I don’t know it was about your voice or about the way you called me. And our conversation ranging from our recent activities, life between traveling, journals, exams and thesis which ended up that you’re gonna come down to see me on Sunday. I will call you, you said. I smiled widely, from ear to ear.

When we finally hang up the phone, i still stared the phone for a moment, was it you? are we gonna see each other after what all have done? And from then, Sunday was like a thousand days to go, instead of one and a half day, only. And I barely hide my smile every time I think about you. I buzzed my best friend, telling her how my heart was drumming. I didn’t really think about how it supposed to be, until the D-day, I found myself busy cleaning the room and put everything back in order. Changed the bed sheet, threw out the garbage, put on the fragrance and being satisfied with the result. I didn’t check my cellphone the whole day cause I know you’re kinda nightly owl, which most likely out from your nest after dinner. In the mean time I talked to my 2 best friends and had a joke over it.

Time creeping slowly to 7 PM. And I started prepare myself, a hairdo done and I put a little make up. A light natural loose powder, a thin line of eyeliner, a red lipstick which later I wiped off, I don’t want to look so provoking.  Then I put on my black thin stockings, over my black underwear. I guess it’s okay to look a little bit sexy tonight without showing too much skin. And my decision went to a simple red dress, because red and black never fail. I put on my flat red shoes. I felt good, I looked good. No, I looked amazing instead. And lastly, I sprayed on the perfume, had a last look on a mirror, I smiled to see myself in the mirror. I looked at my wrist watch, it’s 8:30, then continued looking at my cellphone, in case I missed your phone call. It was nothing. Don’t worry, I calmed myself down, you will call later, the night still young. The clock stroke to 9:00. Still nothing on my cell, I turned on the computer, tried to buzz my 2 best friends, one is in the part of the world which is 6 hours earlier from my place, another is 6 hours later. They were nowhere to be found. One must had been sleeping as I checked my watch, it’s already after midnight there, One was out for Sunday shopping, it was only afternoon at her place. I left some offline messages anyway. The panic strucked, I was numb and hold as much as possible my tears to fall down. Don’t cry, I told myself,  remember, your mascara is not a waterproof one. Remember, your date will probably call later and you would not want to be seen with ruined mascara on your face. I sent a few lines of messages to his chat device, he was to be seen online though with “away” icon. No reply. I sent again after 1 hour, again  no reply.

My best friend finally online. Hugging me virtually, saying ” I have read all your messages, I am sorry but I believe you look incredibly amazing tonight”. I do, I replied, tried to smile. And she tried to cheer me up talking about nothing and everything. My smile was vanished. It’s the feeling of being hurt and being stupid at the same time. I gave a glance to my cellphone, once again, it was 12:00, and still no sign of your phone call. And I finally felt my tears fell to my cheeks, slowly and painfully. The mascara went out along with my tears. Then, I told my best friend, “darling, I am going to sleep, surely he will not call, it’s already midnight by the way”. She was silent awhile and said, “go sleep, babe, it’s a pity that he missed your amazing look tonight and to let you know, I will buy you a water proof mascara”. I laughed all my heart out, how sweet my best friend is. And again we hugged each other virtually before I cut out the connection. And went to bed, with all the ruined mascara and the make up. Hurt. Even hurt you more, when you are on your best look to show to your special one, but he doesn’t bother to show up, not also his phone call.

..

another same story from my best friend