Posts Tagged ‘brokenhearted’


I am trying to compile things happened in 2010. Still remember how we were 6 standing on the balcony and screamed from the top of our lungs of whatever we felt like at that time. I was screaming out my country’s name. I had no idea what was in my mind. Then we started screaming out any word amongst the fireworks and thousands of pictures taking. What’s so good thing of new year is that we feel like start over again from the beginning. Even it’s not practically right, but yes we have another chance. At least we give ourselves a chance.

So 2010 was, where I had several traveling here and there, it began to where I had to visit my bestfriend on her master graduation and had a bit party, came with a red nose for the cold temperature of the sudden snow falls yet felt warm for having my bestfriend around me. Back with swollen red eyes for non stop crying of being told that he doesn’t love me anymore. But I managed to survive yet lose some weights. On that year also where I had a job on summer break which pushed me to go back and forth between the exams and the money. And I survived too, not in my top condition but again I managed.  Life was hard when you have to struggle alone, and the year 2010 was the year where I detached from any(thing)one I can count on. The year where I woke up in the middle of the night sweating alot for worrying about my life, my insecured life.

I lose count of how many times I cried on the year 2010 and there’s nothing to do about my inability of counting. The year where my heart stitched open both of jealousy or being pushed away. The year where I constantly begged God either to give him back to me with all the good moments which I’ve ever shared with him, the conversations, the stay over night, the laughter, the even silliest thing we did or to just take the pain away or to give me job to keep me busy. Yet the pain stayed, the moment’s gone but I got the job. And started to pack my backpack again to go, pointing my finger tip on the map and ended up in the night train with 7 other people in one compartment.

My life in 2010 was also where I donated voluntarily almost 10 kg of my weight, not something to be missed though, but as I can tell 2010 was not the year which I had a good note about. But back in my country, my family member added, here I got 2 extended brother. And my brother soon will tie the knot.

The year 2010 was where I played over and over again the same song “Violet Hill” from Coldplay and desperately crying and crying after the song. The year where I decided to travel away from him but however far I go, I think about him every single day. The year that my heart scattered around but become stronger, resilient and jealous-proof. And I found myself 100% sane by the end of the year. Survived with wounded heart, worried mind and losing weight, yet survived. So don’t worry about where the weight go, don’t worry about this wounded heart, surely it went to a good cause, to me become stronger.

Bubblewrap

Posted: November 23, 2010 in story over coffee
Tags: ,

I love bubblewrap since I was a little. So, everytime my mom bought some fragile things such as vase, plates or any electronical stuffs, I would be patiently waiting until everything unwrapped and I can have the bubblewraps for myself. Sometimes, I shared them with my big brother, but mostly I kept them for myself. Not literally keep them, actually, because what I did was, popping off the bubbles, from one side to another. Sometimes I did randomly, like started popping them off from the center, and went zigzagging. And I love the sound when they were popped off. And it’s somehow very addictive, that I could not stop until everything popped off. It gives me a happy feeling not to mention a good giggles.

I love bubblewrap, not only because I can have a good feeling after popping them off, but because the ability of this simple thing in protecting stuffs from breaking. I once had my camera (SLR one) being sent from my capital city to my home city, and I received it flawless, thanks to bubblewrap. So I was thinking, if only the heart (yes the heart which any living creature has) had a bubblewrap in protecting it from breaking, so there won’t be the certain thing called “brokenhearted”. Would it be nice?

love-float

Posted: October 27, 2010 in my black coffee
Tags: , ,

It’s been a long time I didn’t write for my self. I wrote though, for one official website of my country’s government ( if copy paste-ing things could be considered as writing ). I wrote (I convince you) and got money out of it, even it’s always ended up with other tickets to other journeys or even some souvenirs for beloved friends and left my bank account dry.

Anyway, my life is fine, well not that fine- fine, but what I can complain about, my school fee is paid, I passed my exams with maximum mark (still 5 to go, though), my mom is healthy (this is the most important thing) and I have new nephew, who is so adorably cute. I got full pack of cough, runny nose and fever this week which actually happened from being too tired of 2 full weeks traveling in the land of Cristiano Ronaldo and raining for the whole week, but then I remember the German phrase, “there is no such bad weather, it’s only bad clothes”. So if you know it’s gonna rain and the weather seems to change unpredictably, wear a proper cloth, a right shoes and bring your umbrella with you. And please no such thing called “complaining about the weather”.  That’s an attitude!

But love life is something else.  How can you prevent yourself of falling in love, you just don’t expect it, not even planning about that or choosing to whom you would fall onto, eh? I fancy this guy, for the last one year. If you want to compare this guy to any guys you might meet, you can just easily find better looking guy, smarter, better in shape body, and blah blah blah whatever! But I fancy him, and don’t fancy others, enough said! And I managed myself to finally reveal about my feeling to this guy. I have reasons, of course; not only about how many times we spent good times together, between the laugh, argumentation and jealousy. Amongst lessons, papers and exams, a bit party and music concert. But also the signs I got from him (which is now I realized that I must be mistaken). So it’s not only about fancying him, but I feel like a heart-jumping every time I saw him.  Silly, though,  but the timing was right, I have deeply thought about this and also considered about all the signs (which is again, I was wrong). And I was about to go somewhere away from him for a certain times. To calm myself down and to make him miss me, which he will not (yes, tell me I am such a fool). And to make it worst, he doesn’t love me back. Well, he didn’t explicitly saying that, but he asked me to forget him, ah No not also explicitly saying that too, he said; keep yourself busy, just study hard like me and my brother and the rest i forgot what he said or maybe  I just don’t wanna listen, because it’s  clear enough (and i am not completely stupid to understand).

So, I think it could be imagined how life after that. I thought i can enjoy my traveling to that beautiful country and continuing my writing in peace. But I felt like hiding my face under the pillow all the time and had no effort to do anything. People partying, I did too, but I was more like a robot with an ON and OFF button. People laughing, I laughed even more. People drinking, I cried my self out in the bathroom. People sightseeing the city, I found myself ended up in a souvenir store and grabbing just anything to buy for him. The days came up and came down, it’s all the same. I found his email one day in my mail box, my heart’s raced, left me shivered not even reading the letter, just to see his name on it. And the email was too official and dry, there is nothing but 1 line of saying how are you and the university stuffs, and I threw up successfully! Stupid? Ow.. absofuckinglutely! There’s nothing to do about my 132 IQ, I am stupid anyway!

And I don’t wanna go back there, I am shy of myself, and I can’t bear to see his face again. If at home I felt like burrying my face under the pillow, outside, I want to hide my face inside the paper bag or whatever.

I keep myself busy like what he said, I finished reading 3 fat novels, I cleaned up everything in my room, even it’s not dirty at all. I work and work, I write and write, I attend classes even if it’s not mine. People partying, laughing and drinking, I took my own way. I even walk under the rain so that people can not see my tears, and I still don’t know until when I could recovered myself, or maybe not at all. I found my self so vulnerable around him, can I just dissapear from here?

*and life seems like to conspire to make me feel worst, I found this song coincidently “you’re running out of sight, it’s so hard to holding on, all Alone in Love”