Posts Tagged ‘you’


I miss our conversation over coffee and that devil choco cake.

Talk about nothing and everything all at once. Talk about who you are and who I am.

Nothing fancy. Just life in general. A life that is not problem-free, but we’re happy with it.

We don’t have too much to ask, do we? We just do the things we love and to be closed to our beloved people. Be it friends, family or the special ones.

Have a daily routine to not being rotten. To have a safe place where we come home to. A home where we can share the laugh or the warmth of newly baked choco cake or your lasagna. Yes, your lasagna that you’re always proud to make one.

I secretly saying your name in my prayers, oo dear you. To every good things happen to you and wish I am one of them.

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I Love You

Posted: April 18, 2015 in story over coffee
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I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way.
Sonnet XVII

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Although I adore the curves of your body. I wonder about the depth of your thoughts. I’ve grown weary of searching for oceans inside puddles. I do not care how wavy you are. If I can not swim in your substance, then do not drown me in your shallows.

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This is how I remember you,
The salty lips when you kissed me, the sandy toes, the fresh smell of the sea.

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This is how I remember you,
The deep voice, the flat tone, the giggles in between.

This is how I remember you,
The strong hands, the solid muscles hugging from behind, the warm breath on the back of my neck.

This is how I remember you,
The rough fingers running through my skin, grabbing me closer to you.

This is how I remember you,
The wave of your heartbeats, when I lay my head upon your chest.

This is how I remember you,
The serious look behind the thick book.

This is how I remember you,
The warm feeling everytime I see you or when your name pop up on my phone screen.

This is how I remember you,
All the small things I cherish, all trivias and fun fact, spices and bandaid, the rough roads and the rain.

This is what I don’t want to remember you,
When you hugged me goodbye, when I struggled to hold my tears, when we said a promise to see again in other part of the earth.

dealing with goodbyes

Posted: January 24, 2011 in my black coffee
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another gloomy weekend as my friend said, “the sky is crying for me for the death of my father”. I was numb, I know how it feels losing one of the parents, but I certainly don’t know how it feels when the news’ coming and you are thousand miles away. When you feel like crying all the heart out but at the same time you have to be sane enough to organize everything and to pull yourself together.

I am not good dealing goodbyes, it’s still before my eyes how my daddy lying down on his death bed, in a coma. 11 days in a row, after suffered from a long time illnes more than a couple of years. I was called back home, gave up my work and preparing myself for the worst. Yet, I never been ready. Beside, how in the world I can be ready for the worst. He was my dear dad. The person from whom I got the blood on my vein. But he gave up to faith eventually, just before my eyes, like a bad dream that you wish to wake up from. Like in a movie that you wish the machine miraculously bipping again. But it was too silent until the cry cracked open. It was mine maybe, or my sister’s, I remember my mom didn’t weep even a bit, just said “you’re gonna wait for me there, aren’t you?” and said a pray then kissed him. I don’t have a strong heart like my mom does. I wish I do, but I am a weeper, a real one.

So dealing with goodbyes is not the thing I am expert of. Any kind, either the death or the simple goodbye of friend. If I don’t weep my self out, I feel my chest hurt alot. Some people notice me a cry baby, maybe I am, but it’s actually because I care so much about the person and I really have to deal with the fear of losing someone whose close to me, which is never been easy. But, if I finally stop weeping my self out, maybe it’s the sign that I am strong enough to let go, or simply because I am too tired for the coming and going of people in my life. Without me able to make them stay.


I am trying to compile things happened in 2010. Still remember how we were 6 standing on the balcony and screamed from the top of our lungs of whatever we felt like at that time. I was screaming out my country’s name. I had no idea what was in my mind. Then we started screaming out any word amongst the fireworks and thousands of pictures taking. What’s so good thing of new year is that we feel like start over again from the beginning. Even it’s not practically right, but yes we have another chance. At least we give ourselves a chance.

So 2010 was, where I had several traveling here and there, it began to where I had to visit my bestfriend on her master graduation and had a bit party, came with a red nose for the cold temperature of the sudden snow falls yet felt warm for having my bestfriend around me. Back with swollen red eyes for non stop crying of being told that he doesn’t love me anymore. But I managed to survive yet lose some weights. On that year also where I had a job on summer break which pushed me to go back and forth between the exams and the money. And I survived too, not in my top condition but again I managed.  Life was hard when you have to struggle alone, and the year 2010 was the year where I detached from any(thing)one I can count on. The year where I woke up in the middle of the night sweating alot for worrying about my life, my insecured life.

I lose count of how many times I cried on the year 2010 and there’s nothing to do about my inability of counting. The year where my heart stitched open both of jealousy or being pushed away. The year where I constantly begged God either to give him back to me with all the good moments which I’ve ever shared with him, the conversations, the stay over night, the laughter, the even silliest thing we did or to just take the pain away or to give me job to keep me busy. Yet the pain stayed, the moment’s gone but I got the job. And started to pack my backpack again to go, pointing my finger tip on the map and ended up in the night train with 7 other people in one compartment.

My life in 2010 was also where I donated voluntarily almost 10 kg of my weight, not something to be missed though, but as I can tell 2010 was not the year which I had a good note about. But back in my country, my family member added, here I got 2 extended brother. And my brother soon will tie the knot.

The year 2010 was where I played over and over again the same song “Violet Hill” from Coldplay and desperately crying and crying after the song. The year where I decided to travel away from him but however far I go, I think about him every single day. The year that my heart scattered around but become stronger, resilient and jealous-proof. And I found myself 100% sane by the end of the year. Survived with wounded heart, worried mind and losing weight, yet survived. So don’t worry about where the weight go, don’t worry about this wounded heart, surely it went to a good cause, to me become stronger.

my first thought

Posted: January 1, 2011 in story over coffee
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I woke up very late on this first day of the year, it’s 12 already and was a bit confused that I found myself not on my own bed (oh no worries  it’s not any guy’s bed :p) I fell asleep after counting down to the new year and having somewhat quite festive new year’s eve with good companies and of course a good food too. Then I didn’t remember anything.

But however late I woke up was, the first thing in my mind was still him. I know it’s bad, it’s a new year already and I still can not get over this thing. The pain is not as serious as before but of course it remains the damage. I really don’t want to start this first day of the  year with crying, because however often I do that or how terrible weep I had, I can not make him mine. But yet I weeped a bit.

So I dragged my feet, making a cup of coffee, a real strong one and sat back to think, what am I gonna do. I checked my cellphone and found some textes from some guys asking me out for this and that. It’s all directly to be deleted. Let alone the phone ringing and ringing.

Anyway, I deal with my self that I have to deal with the past, however good it was, let it stay in the past, I can not grab it along to where I stand now. And however bad it was, I passed it anyway. And it’s still him the first time I think when I wake up and still him I think the last before I sleep, and I should deal with it too.

what if ?

Posted: December 10, 2010 in story over coffee
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What if I got it wrong?

And no poem or song..

Could put right what I got wrong,

Or make you feel I belong

What if you should decide

That you don’t want me there by your side

That you don’t want me there in your life.

#coldplay song

Hei I Miss You!

Posted: November 30, 2010 in my black coffee
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it’s beautiful day today, the sun shines brightly and brought me a happy feeling. I finished some lines of email for my friend, sipping my coffee and was a bit running to the class. No, not that I am so happy for the lesson, I just don’t wanna miss this beautiful day. Maybe I am kinda crazy now, but if I see myself back then I didn’t really appreciate the sun like I do now. Yes having 6 full months of shiny days back to my country made me ignoring this blessing. So I marched to the class smiling, oh I felt like whisling, but I can not do it, I don’t know how. And I really think this bright day made people happier, I laughed alot with my classmates and one of them even taught me a poem that I had to repeat it again and again but what I got is curled tongue and they all laughed at me.  Then as I sat beside my friends waiting for the teacher coming, I saw the blackboard and read some words written on it from the previous lesson. I found myself understand the words, and it’s not even Italian, English, French or my mother language (it’s impossible). It was his language, the basic one, so of course it automatically dragged my memory to him, when he enthusiastically taught me his language. It didn’t ruin my mood, fortunately, but I feel slightly sad, and kinda miss him. But, then the teacher didn’t come and I felt like a high school girl who’s very happy to leave the class sooner. And I marched back to my apartment amongst the crowd and realized that since yesterday there are demonstrations in a whole country. I smelled weed in the air, what a beautiful day that you don’t even have to pay for the weed but you can also enjoy the smell.

In my room, I let the all the windows open, the door to the balcony too, I swept away all the leaves on my balcony, they have covered the whole floor. Then I buzzed my friend only saying how beautiful today is and we finally decided how shameful it is if we only stay in the room in front of computer, beside taking some pictures of people demonstrating might be fun or,smelled the free weed in the air?  So we went… and cursing myself because I left the battery almost empty.

We walked up and down the hill, smiled to everyone before realizing the demonstration already marched to somewhere else and left nothing but some empty beer cans. So apparently we missed two things, the demonstration and the free weed, well I am not into beers anyway. But nothing really ruin our mood today, so we continued walking from one corner to the end, and circling around and back. And finally sat down on one bench, looking at people passing by while somehow thinking how I finally be on the last month of the year in this country. A real rollercoaster life, which sometimes being on the top but many other times on the very below. And I miss alot of people back in my country and miss alot of moments there. Couple of my friends married, others getting pregnant and my own sister has a baby that I only could see over the internet. And I miss you, even you are here and we share the same air as I suddenly saw you passing by the square alone, and it’s so you that my eyes won’t be mistaken. The black jacket and the sling bag. The serious look and the crooked nose. Hei, I miss you, my heart yelling. I know you won’t hear. Hei, I miss You! my heart again yelling in your language. You went by. I smiled at my self, I guess this is how God works, he listened to me what I said in the morning that I miss this guy. So He sent him passing the square to me seeing him, without him being noticed. Then I packed up my camera with that half empty battery and going home. However, this was beautiful day that luckily I didn’t miss.

Red Lipstick

Posted: November 20, 2010 in my black coffee
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I lose my happy thoughts recently, both because what happened to my country and what privately happened to my life. I have been struggling alot dragging back all the happy thoughts and adopting people’s happiness, but yes, it’s easier said than done. I found my self even more fragile than I used to be, for telling you the truth, I am a crier, I am a person who cry easily, but lately it’s even worse.

Anything reminds me about him, makes my eyes watery,  I don’t even want it. So I closed any access about him, that I don’t even dare to know, to see or to find out. I deleted everything about him, and wish that I could also erase all the memories about him, both good or bad ones. Call me a coward, but I guess everyone has their own decision to ease their feeling, to be happy! So here it is for me. I keep my self busy, attending all the classes, writing more, spending more time in library, taking another way to not see him. I shopped some new outfits and put make up on my face, taking bunch of pictures of my fake smiles and hoping sooner or later it won’t be a fake one anymore. One of my friend always asked me out for party and meet some guys and start flirting on them with my red lipstick on and my seducious look. But I am not a kind of person who throw my self to one party to another to send some signals to guys to date with me. No, it’s not my kind. But anyway, I put my red lipstick on and feel good about it. So red lipstick is a worth-trying, not about seducing guys or getting ready to throw myself to party, it’s simply because I just feel happy about it.

At that hard time, there is also a moment that I feel so low, thinking I am not even good compare to anyone, not a pretty one, well, that kind of feeling. Thinking like, everybody is prettier, younger and better than me, that easily can make guys looking at them without doing alot efforts, maybe you know that kind of feeling. So I came up one day asking my friends (yes friends, not only one!) how do they think about me? do I look like a cool kind of girl (ok Woman, for my case)? do they think that guys will like me and throw over themselves on me, things like that questions. And what I got is a Laughter! yes with a capital L!!

Anyway, after criticizing me for having an adult crisis, they started telling me the truth (I hope). First, they said I am a good friend, understanding, and fun to be with. As a traveler (this is for my bestest friend who has the same concern with me of traveling around the globe), I am such a best traveler bud who is countable and again, fun to be with. Not a good map reader though and also don’t know how to count in English, but okay. As a woman, my friend added, I know how to fashion and never failed on it. And she admitted how once she wanted to copy my style, when I was wearing my simple white shirt and boots. They looked good on me, she said. And she envies about,  how me writing good and have a real good sense of art in photography, both taking pictures or editing them with photoshop kind of thing and rarely women can really do things about that, other than taking a lot pictures of  partying and all those socializing things without any sense of art at all. And smart (pheww.. finally) because I can talk about anything ranging from Disaster Management, and the racial issue which triggered the World War II, or the silly things like .. Obama is a lefthanded… or does our President have the same office with his Vice President?

Anyway, that’s how they think about me, from women’s point of view. And for the men? It’s very simple. One said, for me, you are pretty and that’s it! and another said, even the most beautiful woman in the world will get old and have wrinkles on her face, getting ugly, so why bother? Beauty is in the heart… OWWHH CLICHE! I cried out, but then he added, c’mon! you’re not such a person who’s narrow minded thinking that the looks come first? Are you? … I shook my head firmly and said “No”.  So move on! You need time to mourn, do it, but don’t waste a whole lot of your time for doing that only. World is waiting for you to participate and its not a patient one, mind you. And I asked… with my Red Lipstick on?? He bursted out in laugh and said ” Yes why not, if it makes you feel better, surely the world will bend on its knee, if you do.. 🙂 “