Giving up is (NOT) easy

I have no idea what kind of feeling that I recently feel.

My last battle was done quite some days ago. It was fierce, the emotions taking me nowhere but only led to depressions. I remember how many times I wanted to give up. And how I cried myself to sleep every single day. Yet, I kept going. I don’t know why. The truth is, giving up is easy, when you are in the lowest point of your life. You have no achievement, nothing all. You don’t see any vision how it will be going. You have done everything but it doesn’t seem any right. Everything was blocked and you are stucked. Your dreams are fucked up and you don’t care. You just wanna throw it all away. Just away.

Then you have these friends, silly as they can be. They come into your life with no invitations, they stay and give shits about what’s going on with your life and do the best efforts to support you. Sometimes, you feel like kicking their ass off of your life or literally kick them out of your room cause you just can’t stand of their preach to hang on to your shitty situation. And to make it more difficult, they pray too!! They pray for you to hang on, they pray for you to be eased, they check on you, your health, your food whether it is nutritious enough or not for you to hold on day by day. When you are done with one friend checking how well you sleep last night, then come another friend leaving you some food and remind you not forget to eat. How bothering! because you just want to focus on how to give up on your dream, your battle!

Once, I yelled out at my friend’s face “I don’t want to fight anymore, this is impossible and useless!”

Okay, fine, but at least you have to be healthy when you make your decision, no? So take this food, and sleep well. Said a friend.

At the other part of the world, there is my dear bestfriend said, whatever your decision is, I love you the same, and you know that we will hand in hand through all the situations.

I was silent, I was in the state of  “I don’t wanna hear of any wise advice of my situations”. Let them talk and talk and do whatever they want to do. My decision was fixed! I was so tired of having a zombielike life, that I am not really alive but not yet dead. I’m maybe exageratting. But again, the decision was fixed!

Yes, giving up is easy. MIND YOU! When you just don’t want to be in a part of your own battle anymore. And you are the one who started it, so it’s all up to you to end it bravely or just run away. People will forget eventually, unless you really are an important person then your decision will be remembered in a long run. And you are not;  I am not. So why not giving up?

Then in your many nights alone, you think about your friends supporting you, physically, emotionally. Thinking about how they want to participate in one of highlights of your life. In sudden, giving up is not an easy task. First of all because you don’t want to dissapoint your friends, the second of all and more importantly, that you don’t want your life being bothered by them, you feel like, “okay fine, I’ll do this and please stop bothering my life!” So you stand on your feet, and drag ’em back to the battlefield. It’s not easy though, you’re scared as hell. But then you believe that all the prayers have been said will not go for a waste. Not for your cowardice.

Your heart’s still drumming though; you even feel it outside your chest.  You don’t like to do this, you even curse yourself for the decision you chose. You want your friends to be around, but at the same time you want them to make a distance from you. You want to be alone to find your peace of mind and don’t want them to interfere too far into your life. And you keep going on and on and on. Cause you just want to finish it immediately. You want to be free, free from your own fear. Free from all people telling what to do about your life. Until it finally ends. End, with a capital E! End with your friends’ laughter, end with the cork of the champagne popping off, end along with the wreath was placed on your head to inaugurate you.

It’s done. It’s paid off. You break down and cry. And you thank your friends, but you know it’s never enough. Cause they really made it to make you fight until the end. To make a giving up a hard task.

PS:

Saying thank you is never enough to all of my friends who support me sincerely during my hard times.